It's Personal: Me, Myself and I

Dear You

2011-10-02T23:53:00.000+01:00

Dear You,

Thank you for all those time we've spent together. It didn't last in the end, i guess my love was just not enough.
For all those time, you had been there to sustain me one way or another. I had something to look forward to each day after a long day of classes and work. Because I knew that you were there for me. Regardless of how tired I am, looking at you was just enough to forget the tiredness. You should have known that I just couldn't get enough of you. I knew that we had got funny moods sometimes but time spent with you always flew by so very fast. Whereas the time seems to have stopped moving and slowly dragged itself passing by me. and now there's nothing here for me to look forward to by the end of each day, nothing to sustain me at all. Emptiness and loneliness are my company.

I know you won't read this but at least it would remind me of how important you had been in my life;
remind me of how deep i had fallen for you (deeper than i thought)
remind me of the good time we had spent together (even now it has become bittersweet)
remind me of the many first times of mine with you
remind me of my love which will always love you..

Waiting for You to Come Back,
Me

Mistakesssssss!!!

2011-08-23T00:57:00.001+01:00

Mistakes is an active vocabulary in my everyday life...

ever since God-knows-when...

Today is not an exception too...

However in the end,

it turned out to be quite surprising..

hehehe...

as usual today i was working at the till

serving the customers like i always do..

However, i made a huge mistake which was

i gave the wrong order to the wrong customers!!

O_______________o

at that time,

i wish i could run away

and cry my heart out...

but i didn't

because i couldn't be so drama at workplace..

i could hear my boss's voice sounding very angry and mad

*could you imagine that feeling when you are about to be told off*

not only i have to apologise to the customers

but also the boss too..

on top of my word-is-not-enough-to-express feeling

one of the customer asked,

'do we get any free stuff'

guess how did i reply..

LOL..

thinking of it,

i might really LOL

i said,

'do you want me??

i'm free..

what do you want me to do for you for free..'

then explained that

'sorry.. i'm going to be told off in a second'

well.. the customer was quite nice

as he said,

'everybody makes mistakes'

then my apology again took place..

when i went into the kitchen to apologise to my boss

guess what!!!

hehehe ^_______^

he said, 'dont worry.. it's all right'

then before he went back

i thought it would be good if i apologised again..

and try to guess what again!!!

hehehe ^____________________^

he said,

'it's understandable that you make mistake(s)

because you have to do lots of multitasking,

then he put the target of blame to his wife..

LOL..

i was like..

hahahahaa...

his wife has no direct relation to this case

but she got blamed for it..

poor boss' wife..

*abrupt ending*
*sleepy*
*cant think straight no more*

~ My New Hobby ~ Damaged ~

2011-08-18T01:34:00.000+01:00

Lately i have got into a good habit

namely READING..

which wasn't my cup of tea..

somehow i grabb a book with me before i go out

so that i could spend my time reading when i am in the bus

or during break time at work...

i have just finished reading a inspiring yet heartbreaking book

entitled 'DAMAGED' by Cathy Glass

it was published long ago and

you might have read it too..

can you imagine how terrible and horrible

or even there isn't a word in the dictionary could express the life

that a 8 year old girl has to go through..

where she had been sexually abused by her biological father

while her mother standing aside laughing and taking photographs..

on top of that, they invited other strangers to involve in the

such demoralised and inhuman doing to that poor girl..

'you are love' ie 'it's a way of showing love to you'

was the ironic excuse that the parents told the lil' girl..

that's how the life of the girl was shaped..

'the monsters will come if you tell someone'

is the most ridiculous yet effective lie

for a innocent and naive child..

the poor lil' girl knew she had been hurt

thus built unbreakable wall around her

so that her defence was up and

suffer from delayed development and

other negative consequence (including split personalities, throwing tantrums,

kicking and punching others, 'blackmail'/threatening others for what she wanted )

as a result of the abuse..

the foster carer thought all the child needed was

love, care, attention

however, what the lil' girl needed was far beyond that...

as she had been constantly 'betrayed' and 'hurt' by the adults..

having said that, the constant and persistent love, care and patience

of the selfless foster carer, Cathy and the family

slowly helped the lil' girl to be able to trust again..

to unlearn what she had gone through the abnormal that she saw as normal...

but then again, the child's need was beyond Cathy's capability

and therefore was sent to a therapeutic residential unit to help her

to fully recovered and be able to integrate within the NORMAL society

hopefully in time the girl will get better.. ^____^

i would like to say that

Cathy is such an inspiration and role model

for many out there..

resilience, determination and patience of hers

is just so strong and so impressive..

if i were in her position,

i would have broken down and given up..

she is like a living evidence and example for us

that nothing is impossible

and as long as we have not given up easily

we'd somehow see the problem through..

and we've just gotta believe that something good is gonna come out of it...

through this real life story

i have also come to realise that

how lucky most of us are compared to the poor lil' girl Jodie

that's why we have to take the advantage on what we are having as

the time is flying by, moving so fast

we'd better make it count and we can never get it back..

and sometimes that mountain that we've been climbing

is just a grain of sand..

p/s i was pretty annoyed with the social worker's attitude and

i was really impressed how Cathy could deal with it so patiently

yet sometimes sarcastically (which i like)

Oh My God!!!!! My Evolution~~ Hehehe

2010-06-11T13:51:00.001+01:00

After I have done my work at SportsDirect at 11.50am,

I thought I might as well stay in the library till 3.00 pm

to meet Jeremy Harmer, the author of our main ELTM

(English Language Teaching Methodolgy ) reference book.

But time passed very slowly...

Checking news about Carrie Underwood for zillions times,

Refreshing my Facebook page for billions times,

clicking here and there, etc etc etc

still didn't help at all...

Then I thought of visiting blogs...

Guess what I found..

It's my Evolution... hehehe...

Look at the photos below and you will know what I'm talking about:

The first photo was taken on 7th November 2009..

when I first arrived in the UK..

and the second photo was taken in the beginning of April 2010 in Rome...

hahahaha...

Let me know what you think about it..

First Exam Experience in the UK

2010-05-28T19:35:00.002+01:00

Today is the most-awaiting day I'm officially done with my dreadful Year 1 examination in the UK..

It was a great experience even though it was not a pleasant one...

I sat for three exam papers namely should-have-known
'Language Awareness',

unexpected 'English Language Teaching Methodology' (ELTM)

and last but not least the disastrous 'Understanding Learners and the Learning' (ULL)...

For Language Awareness exam, as the title suggests, it has definitely something to do with 'AWARENESS'..

Thinking it would be similar to Language Description back in my Foundation,

so I sort of forgot about the 'AWARENESS' part during my revision..

so I just wrote whatever came to my mind in the exam hall even though it either might not make sense

or beating around the bush... >_<

For ELTM, we were focussing on Communicative Language Teaching (CLT) approach and

INTEGRATING of skills, yes, I repeat, it's 'INTEGRATING of skills'

during our revision session with our lecturers..

However, what came out in the exam required us to write about 'INDIVIDUAL skill'..

>__<"

I was like... hmmmm... what am I supposed to write...

Furthermore, the questions on CLT, 50% is allocated for the question

'What are the major principles of CLT?'

OH MY GOD!!!!

50% on just major principles???

another 50% is allocated for the question

'How can Malaysian teachers apply the major principles of CLT in practical way?'

I was like 'Can't they just combine the two questions into one?

Must they make our lives difficult and miserable?'

Arghhhh.....

For ULL, it is a DISASTER!!!!

It is an open book exam... my FIRST OPEN BOOK exam...

@_@

Having all the notes and essay structure prepared in minds,

I thought 40 minutes would be enough for me to complete the essay..

So I spent 20 minutes on reading the article provided and,

it's when DISASTER began..

the article disrupted my thoughts and I changed all the content I wanted to write..

So in the end, I didn't have enough time to write my essay..

and what I did was just copying the sentences from the articles and

pasting them straight on my exam answer sheet and it's really like 'SH*T'..

T_____T

Getting a pass, I think, will be just fine but it is not what I really want..

What I want is to PASS with FLYING COLOURS...

That means I really really have to start to make an effort and be more diligent

if I want to achieve it!!!! Yoshhh~~~

Thank God this is just Year 1 in which the marks won't be taken into account...

Well, I can't 'undo it' like the song you are listening now if you didn't turn it off..

and I suppose it's all right to make mistakes now and

try to avoid repeating the mistakes from now on...

~<~PLAY ON~>~

*of course I won't forget to grab this opportunity to promote Carrie Underwood's latest album, '~PLAY ON~' hehehe =))

Barang Aku = Barang Kegunaan Awam???

2010-05-18T23:48:00.000+01:00

Ya amponnnnnnnnnnnnn....

Pok iteh teman serumah ak ni nak kene maki dgn ak kew??

Gune je barang2 ak kat dlm uma...

first2, tak beli sabun tuk cuci pinggan mangkuk...

gue sabar je sbb takde la mahal mane...

dh la teman serumah, ak lepak je..

pastu, ak perasan die gune syampoo ak...

ak pon tahan dan saborrr jeeee la..

gune conditioner gue, gue pon tetap tahan..

tp td gue baru perasan die gune FCUK face scrub ak..

nak abessss dh...

wuwuwuwuwu..

sakit ati gue, taw??!!

die ni nak kene F**K ke ape??

ya amponnnnn...

tapi takpe la...

rezeki ak kan biasa dikongsi..

takpe la..

arap2 rezeki bertambah biler dikongsi..

hehehe... >.<"

sekian..

jap ak dah cite dh kew??

yg die tu bawak kekawan die balik tgah2 malam..

adui... bukan nye nak diam2 ataw senyap2..

takde common sense langsung...

ckp tak yah la kuat2 kowt tgah2 mlm...

takpe la..

berape je minggu la...

sabar la ya lipvi..

nnt dpt pahala... ^____^

~BLANK~

2010-05-17T15:59:00.000+01:00

~BLANK~

I couldn't find any other words which are more suitable to describe my state of being now..

My head is totally blank and empty now..

All I feel like doing is to cry... T_T

There are too many things that I cant control.

Sometimes, I just feel helpless...

and Tired...

Exams are just about 6 or 7 days from now..

and I have applied for two night jobs which indicate some positive signs..

But still I worry too much about unnecessary things.. =(

anyway, i think i will wait and see what is gonna happen..

now i'm just get everything done in a proper way.. hopefully..

there are just too many things in my head now..

gonna take a long shower before starting my revision..

take care..

till then...

p.s. two more thins i wanna add:

1. What you didn't see doesn't mean that it didn't happen...

2. Is it a human nature that we won't appreciate things we get so easily as much as when we get them through a not-so-easy, difficult way??? @@

Update + Rome and Paris Awesome Trip Part 2

2010-05-13T17:09:00.003+01:00

Well.. I have finally done with my assignmentsssssss for the last semester.. *phew*

BUTTTT three examsssssss are just around the corner.. wuwuwu *panic*

Language Awareness, English Language Teaching Methodology and ULL...

ULL?? Ulat Lalu Lubang (translation: worm crosses the hole).. LOL.. bahahaha..

I had no idea where I got the idea of this acronym from..

It was actually after I have done my last assignment and after 5-hour work..

so i was kind of exhausted... and out of nowhere the inspiration of ULL came.. heheheee

By the way, ULL actually stands for Understanding Learning and Learners..

Which I hardly understand..

But hopefully, Piaget and others would help me in the exam... >.<"

That's all the update i guess and now lets get back to my rome and paris trip..

yehaaaa....

By the way, thanks to the photographer, we have now a picture in which 9 of us are in..

(From Left, zaf, rama, peydot, shah, me, amal, iylia, dib and ain)

there were many photos taken whether or not I was aware of it..

The following is totally natural... and I did not pose at all...

>_<"

and i realise that I Love to JUMPPPPPPPPPPP..

yeeeehaaaaaa...

Outside Versailles

Inside Versailles

heheheheheehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe.. =P

to be continued...

First Entry in BM

2010-05-11T03:43:00.000+01:00

Adui!!!!

Kureng btol housemate i nih...

tak taw la sape exactly..

TP ase nye pok iteh kowt..

Berani die kuarkan baju gue dr washing machine, pastu letak kat atas meja dlm kitchen??

WTH!!!

Dryer kosong, bleh je letak..

Kerusi ade, tak nak gak...

iron board yg die bkk dan gune, tak nak tutup bley gak letak..

Nape out of so many places die nak jugak letak kat atas meja??!!

nak cari pasal dgn ak ke nih???

seb bek Tuhan ak suh i sabor..

kalo tak, siap ko!!!

jgn ingat i nih bley buli sesuke ati ko taw/?!!

bler washing machine rosak, takde orang nak lapor...

i jgk yg kene lapor.. kali kedua baru ofis anta owg baiki...

bler dh baiki, nak gune je...

skang paip ade leaking, tgok la sape yg akan melapor nnt...

ak jgk kowt asenye...

asenye diowg busyyyyyyyyyy sesgt kowt..

ak je yg takde mende nak wat...

Ya amponnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn....

mood nak wat esaimen dah terjejas dah...

nk tido jap la...

esaimen tu lantak la... arap2 pass sudey...

dh i merana kerinduan ni...

td tertidooooo je..

wuwuwuwuwuwuwu....

arghhhhhhhhhhhhh....

bler la nasib malang ku akan berhenti???

bler la naseb baek ku nak menjelma???

sabor dan doa byak2 je la...

Mintak maap kalo terkasar kate2ku...

Disrespect Diversity!!!

2010-05-08T19:43:00.001+01:00

Two days ago, there was a CRB session for my course..

Everyone managed to get their CRB application forms done EXCEPT ME!!!!

The lady officer said, "your documentation does not match your identification."

This is because I am a CHINESE!!!!

Unlike others, I have my surname in front of my first name (aka forename).

She said she wouldn't accept it unless it is in such an order: 'Forename Surname' = 'Lip Vi Teoh"

I was like 'it's RIDICULOUS!!!!!!!'

However I was still able to control myself...

So I asked, 'What do you suggest?'

She said, 'I can suggest anything. Your name on your passport doesn't match your identification.'

Then, silence filled the place for a couple seconds.

I was like 'What the ****??!!'

I managed to board planes, open my accounts in bank, get my previous CRB check for volunteering done, and etc etc etc...

So I told her about that...

But she STILL insisted that my documentation didn't match my identification.

She only did what she knows... other than that, she did not care..

I was like, 'arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!'

Then faking a smile, I asked, 'What can I do?'

To my surprise, she said 'I don't know. I only do what I know. Your name doesn't follow the name arrangement so I could not get your CRB check done.'

She also suggested that I should go to embassy to get my name on my passport changed!
It's just getting more and more RIDICULOUS!!!!

Yet I faked a smile and said 'OK'..

Before I left, she handed me a guide in which appeared to be useless at the moment...

What's her problem????!!

It really SPOILED MY MOOD AND DAY!!!

I was planning to buy myself some cheap clothes as I was running out of clothes choices...

If you have noticed, I always wear the same kind of clothes...

and you can actually count the number of clothes I have, like within perhaps less than 2 minutes..

ARGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

By the way, today I brought up the issue during my mentoring scheme meeting...

It seemed to be really RIDICULOUS!!!!

and one of the scheme coordinator said that it's DISRESPECTING DIVERSITY!!!!

ARGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

I have contaced my course programme director and perhaps he could sort it out for me asap...

P.S. As you are reading, you can actually hear a song playing on Youtube..

'Temporary Home"

That song actually helped me to get over it, bit by bit...

Because it's like telling me that everything is gonna be all right..

every hardship that I (and you) am facing now is just TEMPORARY...

Everything is going to be OKAY...!!

That's why I have been saying that this is a heart-wrenching yet hope-bearing song...

It's so hard to restrain my tears from rolling down my cheeks everytime I listen to it.. T_T

Hope you enjoy like I do.... ^____^

Rome and Paris Awesome Trip

2010-04-29T18:20:00.002+01:00

It has been a while I have not updated my blog..

Good excuse: Assignments

The true reason: Laziness

hahaha... no ba.. just do not really have time for it..

In this entry, I'll bring you through my 'adventure' in Rome and Paris during my easter break..

Yeeehaaaaaa...

It all started....

By the way, it's important to tell you about my companies who traveled together..

It's like really strange and funny..

out of eight of them, I have only met one of them face to face,

chat with the other 2 of them online,

but seven of them were kind of like never before seen...

and I do not really know how I 'sesat' in the group..

ahahahaha...

The following is the photo that we took together..

(from the left: Shah, Me, Iylia, Amal, Dib, Zaf, Fatin and Rama)

one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.....

yup.. that's right..

the ninth is the cameraman:

(Ain aka the Mickey Rat's sister, Minnie Rat) hehehehe...

Even though I have not met most of them, they are all great people and FRIENDS!!!

We all have had a great great time in Rome and Paris (I think.. hehehe)

Personally I prefer Rome to Paris because:

a) Transportation in Rome is much cheaper than Paris

We paid 16 euro a week for the train and bus tickets... But in Paris its about 7 something euro a day..

Oh Gosh.. we could have been very broke if we travel a lot in Paris.

By the way, Rome is way better than Paris, from the aspect of art and smell.

There are graffiti art on the wall around the train stations in Rome compare to the dull looking Paris train station =P.. Furthermore, Paris train stations and some places smelled terrible, like pee smell... =O

b) Rome offers the BEST ice-cream.

OH MY GOD... You won't believe it.... I ate it twice a day and it cost me 3 euro for a 3-scoop cone gelato ice-cream and it's like 'heaven' ahahahaha...

p.s. you actually can presume how yummilicious the ice-cream tastes because I am well-known for my stinginess... ahahahah

c) The 'CULTURE SHOCK' that I heard in Rome is way better than what I saw in Paris

In the middle of the the third night in Rome, out of nowhere, we heard bed string sound...

guess someone was rocking the bed or some sort of project was going on..

Thank God that it stopped after about 10 minutes, not sure though, just not too long...

at first, i simply thought they were just jumping on the bed, like two of my friends did (for some reasons, names are best kept secret)... hehehe..

But the experience in Paris really freaked me out.. on my way to my room, first i saw a shirtless guy opened the door, then a girl who wore a bit of clothes opened hers... then noises were heard... then my friend said 'it could be gang bang'.. from the word and the situation, i contextualised everything and i think GOSH... something bad was going to happen... OH NOOOO... later, one of my friends from next room knocked the door, i shouted 'faster come in and close the door!!!' and Gosh... my tears rolled down my cheeks... =(

OK... full stop... I wont want to recall this actually... that's enough!! lets move on..

c) Rome is..... ermmm..... I lost track of the next point...

rawrrr..... kinda sleepy now... will continue soon....

dadiduuu....

Lip Vi?? Carrie?? Gaga??

2010-03-03T14:14:00.001Z

Carrie Underwood has been my biggest obsession in my life and still is.

However, lately there comes along another obsession called 'Lady Gaga'.

Carrie is someone I obsess with naturally.

Perhaps, it's what Simon called 'IT' factor.

And her attitude attracts me the most.

The way she carries herself is what I always look up to.

She is my BIGGEST ROLE MODEL in life..

Her songs are always heard from wherever I am.. =)

'Don'r Forget to Remember Me' is so relevant to me that I have been away from home and parents

when i was eighteen, exactly what is written in the song.

It also triggers my first question towards Christianity that is

'Do Christians have to kneel down when they pray?'

'Jesus Take the Wheel' teaches me to surrender unto God in everything I do.

'So Small' inspires me to see through my problems and challenges in life.

'Temporary Home' reminds me that whatever (hardship in particular) I am going through is just temporary,

everything is gonna be all right..

These are a few reasons why I am so into Carrie Underwood.

Not long ago, someone called Lady Gaga has stepped into my life.

I used to dislike her because she is a freak and her costumes/outfits are outrageous and weird.

But now I would refer it to 'futuristic', 'extraordinary' and 'fashionable'.

Still remember when I first saw her music video 'Bad Romance', I was like

'OMG! What is this??!!' That just appeared too obscene to me.

Nevertheless, I am now so addicted to it.

It was after one of my friends showed me the 'Bad Romance' satanic version

at which it described the music video.

I then realised that Bad Romance music video is just showing a transition

from an innocent girl, slowly giving in to the her bad ego (evil),

to a bad girl, seeking for bad romance: Revenge.

And it somehow left me in awe.

Since then, I could not refrain myself from re-playing it on youtube from day to night.

It has 134,878,486 views up to date and I believe it is still increasing.

Looking through her interviews, I found that she has her own attitude,

which is different from so many people.

It is something inside many of us.

She is daring enough to show it whereas most of us choose to hide it.

It is something that I wish to learn from her, I guess.

?_?

2010-02-20T08:25:00.000Z

F.O.O.L

Sometimes I feel like a fool..

Wondering what I have been doing all this while...

I feel empty..

I have nothing, nothing and nothing..

and what's life about after all??

Ain't life about taking risks and chances?

or it's about holding on strictly to the rules, laws and regulation?

But...

Is that life all about??

Am I missing something???

Could I break free??

Ain't life about making mistakes and learn lessons out of them?

Or it's about only deliver what you are sure of??

Uncertainty and Doubt are the silent killers..

Being afraid to speak out and make mistakes has been haunting me...

I wish I could go back to those day..

when I make mistakes and laugh over it...

at least something called L.E.A.R.N.I.N.G is taking place...

How have I changed??

Ain't life about having close friends and sharing stuffs with them??

Or it's about keeping everything to yourself..

and hiding everything deep, deep inside your heart??

What if you do when they are sad and emo??

and you could not do anything at all to help...

could not be there for them..

do not know what to say to comfort them..

sometimes just feel like how great if something called 'teleport' is real...

what can I do??

It's been a long time

2010-02-02T20:57:00.000Z

wow... it's been a long time I haven't posted any entry..

But there's a lot of stuff spinning in my head..

so I wonder what should I write..

Jiwang?? Emo?? Love?? Broken Heart??

Carrie Underwood?? My cayang?? Life??

and many many more...

so let me know what you would like to see on my blog..

cheers...

First Day of New Semester.. ^^

2010-01-12T00:11:00.000Z

Today (11th January 2010) was the first day of a new semester...

I woke up early in the morning, at around 6.54am

(I set my alarm at 6.45am).. hehe..

then headed to the kitchen...

First, I let the oven be pre-heated while I marinated two chicken drumsticks with butter, salt and pepper...

then put the drumsticks on a oven tray and into the oven...

after cooking rice, i fried myself two eggs...

That's the lunch box I prepared for myself for the first day of the new semester...

Hehehe... it's actually nothing great about it...

But it just brought me back to my childhood...

First day of Primary 1...

I came from a below average family...

so you could kind of predict my life...

But that very day was one of the few days of my childhood that was still clear in my mind...

Because on that day, my lunch was superb...

Rice with Steamed Fish, Steamed Chicken, Stirred Vegetable and Fish Ball Soup...

(i couldn't remember the menu clearly but it was something like that)

(awww... i have forgotten whether there were any eggs)

Yummy....

Hehe..

I didn't know why i wrote this blog entry...

I was about to write about my childhood actually but it would affect the happiness of this blog...

and yet i didn't want to make others think that i was trying to get sympathy or what...

so i had decided to remove it...

^_^

New Year Resolution.. ^_^

2010-01-06T00:36:00.000Z

Year 2009 had been a year that was full of ups and downs for me. There are peaks of my life as well as the deepest troughs. Praise the Lord for all the good things that He had blessed me with: knowing great people, attending good churches, getting baptised on the New Year, receiving confirmation of baptism on my birthday, being able to take my first flight in life and further studies in my dream place - England, being reminded that this is just my temporary home (‘so don’t be afraid’ thru Carrie Underwood’s ‘Temporary Home’) and many many more. Thank the Lord for all the not-so-good things because there’re lessons learnt which, perhaps, would make me a more mature and better person.

2009 is gone and a brand new year 2010 is knocking at our doors. And it’s time to plan out a New Year resolution and try my best to adhere to it.

#1: Spend quality time with God daily, ideally in the morning. So as to find a good church and get myself rooted.

#2: Spend time on reading for at least half an hour before hitting the sack.

#3: Avoid getting into relationship and spend less time on thinking about it.

#4: Avoid dwelling in those dreams that I can never achieve.

#5: Get myself more involved in other activities or perhaps find myself a hobby that is within my capability.

#6: ‘Speak good words, do good things and keep good heart’ - The ‘Three Goods’ principle.

#7: Try to make others happy because making others happy makes me happy too.

#8: Have a more sociable life.

#9: Worry not about what’s in front of me and just be Happy.

#10: Keep myself fit and build more muscles. ‘A healthy life’

Let’s make 2010 a fruitful and meaningful one!!!

p.s. hope I won't mess it up... *fingers crossed*

**subjected to change

Tired and Give Up

2010-01-06T00:30:00.000Z

Today I woke up feeling like I’m nothing…

I felt very very very tired.

Tired of thinking of everything…

Tired of dreaming of something that I could never ever achieve…

Tired of hoping for miracle to happen…

Tired of satisfying what others wanted…

(even though most of the time, I thought I could but I couldn’t)

Tired of looking for excuses and defending myself…

Tired of justifying myself…

Tired of everything and anything…

I give up…

Wake Up ???

2010-01-06T00:28:00.000Z

Today, I think I have awakened from this candy-coated miserable dream.

Thanks a million to all my friends and my cayang.

They made me realise that life is so much more than you.

To be frank, I thought I would spend my Christmas alone and it really made me very sad.

People say Christmas is a day when people gather with their closed ones (like a family) and celebrate. But for me, it’s just a day to remember my God sent His son to the earth for man’s salvation.

However, this Christmas turned out to be a memorable and meaningful one for me.

My friends came over for potluck and had fun.

Thanks so much, friends (Cohort 1 Cycle 3 family… ^_^) for all your presence and presents. It made all the difference.

Apart from that, I wanna say thanks so so much to my cayang for being there for me always. Even though I am such a crybaby, you’ve never say you’re irritated and annoyed. Even though I always repeat the same sorrow and feel the same way, still you do not get fed up but to cheer me up and help me to get it through.

And thanks to facebook as well. It at least gave me a slap in my face and I realised that the so-called promises were only valid at the time of saying it or rather you did not even mean it at all, just that I was so stupid to believe in what you said to me.

Till now, still you’d never said a good bye and a stop to me…

But I knew how far you’d gone…

But then again, we both know I am not what you need and I cannot give what you want, even the very basic things. If I’ve ever upset you, I’m truly truly sorry. I wish you joy and happiness and above all these, I wish you LOVE, a love that you are truly looking for. Thank you for teaching me a great and memorable lesson in love.

Even it breaks my heart, but I’ll get through and move on just like you, baby.

I Know You WONT

2010-01-06T00:23:00.000Z

I know you don't mean to be mean to me
'Cause when you want to you can make me feel like we belong
We belong

Lately you make me feel all I am is a back-up plan
I say I'm done and then you smile at me and I forget
Everything I said

I buy into those eyes
And into your lies

You say you'll call, but I know you
You say you're coming home, but I know you
You say you'll call, but I know you won't
You say you'll call, but I know you won't

I wish you were where you're supposed to be
Close to me
But here I am just staring at this candle burning out
And still no sound

Of footsteps on my stairs
Or your voice anywhere

You say you'll call, but I know you
You say you're coming home, but I know you
You say you'll call, but I know you won't
You say you'll call, but I know you won't

This song ‘I Know You Won’t’ is best suited to describe what happened to me and how I felt.

Lately, you made me feel all I am was just a backup plan.

I finally realised that I had been at the losing end since the very beginning without knowing it.

Remember that there’s many time I told you about our problems. But everytime when you said it’d be all right, I’d forget everything I’d said. ‘And I buy into those eyes, into your lies.’

‘You’ve said you’ll call but I know you won’t’

You have promised to call me on Christmas when I wished you Merry Christmas in advance.

Even though I knew you wouldn’t call me (you know what you were doing on Christmas), I still hoped and waited for your call from 12.00 am to 11.59pm on Christmas.

I made sure I brought my mobile phone wherever I went because I was afraid I would miss your call if you would ever call.

Whenever my phone rang, I would be very delightful and hope that it’d be you. Nevertheless, all I got were just disappointment.

The clock wouldn’t stop tickling away and the day passed by.

Even though there’s only about 20 minutes coming to an end of Christmas day, I still hoped, hoping that you would call or text me.

However, you didn’t call or even text me at all. That’s when I wondered if you still remembered my existence at all.

I missed you so badly and I wanted so much to call and text you to wish you Merry Christmas BUT I didn’t know what you were up to as you were very likely enjoying yourself at that time. And I didn’t want to spoil your day. So I chose to look at my phone foolishly and hope to get at least a text from you.

Well, my Christmas ended up with sorrow and tears.

The perfect song of my Christmas is ‘I Know You Won’t’ by Carrie Underwood.

JUST A DREAM

2010-01-06T00:18:00.000Z

Everytime I walked down the street, you were the only one I thought about…

Everytime I strolled in the town, the scenes of how we would spend time together came into my mind…

Passing by the restaurants, I thought of spending our loving time together and enjoying our meals together…

Cooking in my kitchen, I’d think about what to cook for breakfast, what for lunch, what for tea time,

what for dinner, what for supper… and thinking of,

in the midst of cooking, would you hug me from behind like those in the movies…

Passing by the cinema, the first time I felt excited and started thinking of which movies to watch, for we would watch the very movies like other couples did…

Passing by the park, my mind was filled with the image of laying down on the field side by side, looking at the sky, enjoying the nature and most importantly your company…

Passing by the superstore, I started to think what to buy and what to cook for you… As you are chicken-lover, suppose I cook chicken for every meal until you get sick of it? What a silly thought…

Passing by the mini shopping malls, I always looked for presents that suited you best… Perfume? Watch? Accessories?

Passing by the jewellery shops, I’d always look for a plate with ‘love’ carved on it… one for you and one for me…

Checking out travel agencies, I thought of places that we’d go for vacations during term breaks, summer breaks and holidays…

I even always thought of the things you’d said to me…

How we spent time together… living a simple life together in a country where you come from…

But, but, but…

These beautiful dreams that I have been dwelling in will remain just a dream FOREVER…

Bear, Promise and Love

2010-01-06T00:15:00.000Z

Even though we had started with very the little substance,

I bet everything I had on a thing called love,

But then again I guess in the end it was not enough.

Last night, I received my first teddy bear from Miss Double A,

I was very happy indeed.

HOWEVER,

The bear reminded me of you.

I hugged the bear to sleep and

The bear was the first thing I saw when I woke up.

It reminded me of what you have said to me.

‘We hug each other to sleep and when we woke up,

We will be the first thing we see in each other’s eyes’

Have you forgotten it?

Or it is just the candy-coated dream that you have left for me?

Besides that, do you still remember your answer to my question that

‘How could I miss you less?’

And you said you want to buy me a big teddy…

And then I said I would paste your large-head photo onto the teddy’s head…

But now…

What can I do and

What can I say???

P.S. One of my friends came into my room and hugged my teddy. Guess what?? The silly me cried because the thought and scene of you being hugged by someone else came into my mind.

My Silly yet True Love + Heartbroken Confession

2009-12-23T16:41:00.003Z

I know you don’t mean to be mean to me,

Because when you want to,

You can make me feel like we belong, we belong..

Lately you make me feel all I am is a back-up plan

I say ‘I'm done’ but when you smile at me and

I’ll forget everything I've said

I buy into those eyes

And into your lies

But now there's nothing I could say to you

Nothing I could ever do to make you see

What you mean to me

All the pain, the tears I cried

Still you never said goodbye and now I knew how far you'd go

I wanna say,

‘Without you I can't breathe,

I'm not gonna ever, ever let you leave

You're all I got, you're all I want,

'Cause without you I don't know what I'd do

I can never, ever live a day without you

Here with me, do you see you're all I need?’

Well, we both know I am not what you need,

That's why I can't be selfish and I have to let you go.

Even though it’s hard to watch you leave right now,

I’m gonna have to learn to let you go somehow

It’d break my heart, but I’d get through

Thank you for letting me love you.

I wish you joy, happiness and love.

And there's just one more thing that is

I'll always love you...

When a door shuts, another door will be opened for you... ^_^

2009-12-22T22:57:00.005Z

I have been very the sad, very the down, very the heart broken, very the crybaby, very the emo and very the hard-to-breathe for the first time in my life ever since 12 December ..

I was the same this morning...

Feeling alone, sad, lost and crying...

BUT..

things got better starting from the evening...

a few friends of mine wanna celebrate my first official christmas with me...

Then we discussed about it in a conference..

conference on skype though.... hehe...

and all of them especially Simpon had put in lots of efforts and thoughts in it...

Thanks so much, especially to Simpon, Fyfy, Zoo and Smath..

I really appreciate it...

Wanna know more about them, follow my blog on Christmas (this weekend)...

hehehe...

this is the first invitation card that Simpon made for the party:

and this is the latest after the discussion at conference:

Thank you so much, Simpon!!

well... even though i felt slightly better, i was still very down...

and i only ate three pieces of Mcvitie's Digestive buscuits for the whole day...

so i went to the kitchen to cook myself asda instant noodles for dinner...

as usual, while waiting for the water to boil, i went around the kitchen and dining room..

and singing with my out-of-tune, out-of-melody, out-of-pitch voice...

then in the midst of my sorrow

('cause singing carrie's 'i told you so' and 'i know you wont' + leona's 'happy' and 'i will be')

i saw there's a parcel on the dining table..

so i approached it and saw my name was on the parcel...

i brought the parcel into my room..

i actually wanted to open the parcel on christmas..

but i just couldn't wait and was excited to see what was inside...

Carefully and slowly, i opened the parcel..

Guess what??

It's a TEDDY!!!!

My FIRST EVER TEDDY BEAR in my life..

and it's from Miss Double A...

I'm on cloud nine...

I screamed with joy when i opened the parcel...

and Simpon can be the witness...

hehehe...

Here's a photo of Miss Double A:

Oooooopppppsssss.....

a wrong one...

she's somebody whom Miss Double A missed so much... ^^

and the following is the true Miss Double A:

'Miss Double A 'in vain' ' =P

Thank you so much Miss Double A...

It really means a lot to me... =)

especially when i need hugssssss...

i will definitely hug the bear when i sleep...

heheheheh.... ^__^

Thanks again... I really appreciate it...

Apart from that, I also want to thank my cayang who has been bearing with me

since that very day...

(simply wanna thank my cayang here so that my cayang won't feel left out ^^)

Well...

I think I have learnt something today..

Life is not only about girlfriend or boyfriend..

(though it does really matter.. e.g. how it consumed me)

but it's about friends as well...

especially those true friends who always by your side

particularly when you are in the pitch dark valley...

thank you so much guys!!!

p.s. i haven't had a camera yet... but will borrow one from my friend soon and then upload the picture of

MY FIRST TEDDY yet to be named...

thinking of carrie... hehehe... well... we'll see how it goes...

again... thanks so so much!!!!

Surprise!!!

2009-12-19T18:13:00.000Z

Days ago, I talked to one of my friends with regard to her housemate aka my friend's birthday..

I asked her whether wanna to have a birthday party for the b'day girl..

Yes she said..

However to my SURPRISE, it's really a surprise b'day party...

They celebrated her birthday without telling me...

I didn't know anything till i saw what was in facebook...

well...

I wonder...

and wonder...

well... forget about it!!!

I think i'm too busy body enough to look at others' facebook,

till i draw conclusion about what's really going on...

Anyway, Happy Birthday, Birthday Girl...

Since You've Been Gone!!

2009-12-14T09:43:00.001Z

'Since You've been Gone', a song of Kelly Clarkson was written based on the freedom and happiness that one will get after break-up. But i think i'd alter the lyrics and it's as following:

Since you've been gone,

I can't breathe for the first time,

I'm not moving on,

Oh no no no...

I beg you,

please don't,

Stay here with me.

But you have to go...

First time in my life I feel so very hard to breathe...

I fell out of love before even getting into a relationship...

It's actually very funny and ironic..

My Love Story part 1

2009-12-13T00:26:00.004Z

You take my heart away

since the day you say,

‘I’m very special to you in every way’

Every day I pray

that even death shall never part us away.

2009-11-19T18:59:00.005Z

~L.O.V.E~

2009-11-11T17:19:00.000Z

Have you always been thinking of someone?

Have you been not sleeping well because you're thinking of someone?

Have you had no mood to do anything because

you are waiting for someone?

Have your tears rolled down your cheeks when you see someone is flattering

or even just being close to others?

Have you felt like crying when you see the couples around?

Have you cried when someone is far away from you?

Have you ever shed your tears when you feel alone and someone is not there for you?

Thinking of someone whom you can't see often is really hard,

especially when you fall in love with someone whom you are not supposed to.

Should we pursue a love story which is not accepted/approved by others?

But what does love mean after all?

A relationship which all OTHERS are happy with?

~OR~

A relationship that make YOU happy?

Carrie Underwood and I part 2

2009-11-06T17:33:00.002Z

Previously on...

The next time I saw her performance was American Idol Season 5 finale and American Idol Give Back by chance. I mean BY CHANCE...

The songs that Carrie Underwood sang were 'Don't Forget to Remember Me' and 'I'll Stand by You' respectively. These songs are still very dear to my heart up to this moment.

'Don't Forget to Remember Me' is especially dear to me when I left home for International Languages Teachers Training Institute (IPBA aka IPGM KBA now) and Canterbury Christ Church University. Calling home and telling parents that 'I'm okay' and 'Everything's all right' are just exactly what I did, do and will always do,

so that my parents won't worry about me.

This most significant thing about this song is that it led me to ask the first question about christianity.

"Tonight I found myself kneeling by the bed to pray..."

And my first (silly) question is 'Do christians have to kneel down when they pray?'

^_^

Here is another verse of the song which is very dear to my heart:

'Here's a map and here's a bible if you ever lose your way'

See, get what I mean?

'I'll stand by you,

I'll stand by you,

Won't let nobody hurt you,

I'll stand by you,

Take me into your darkest hour

and i'll never desert you,

I'll stand by you'

'I'll Stand by You' is a very significant song of Carrie Underwood's songs when I was in IPBA.

Whenever I was down, I'd turn on this song and it really did make me feel better.

For instance, I listened to this song while doing my assignments,

especially the research in Numerical Literacy.

It was indeed a difficult time for me because everything I did seemed to be incorrect.

I had do it over and over and over again and again and again and again.

I was very disappointed with myself and very angry with myself that why I just could not do thing right.

However, having listened to this song, always together with

'God Bless The Broken Road' (a cover by Carrie Underwood),

I always felt motivated and picked myself up along the broken road.

Here are a few verses of the song:

'Every long lost dream led me to where You are,

Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars,

pointing me on my way into You loving arms,

This much I know is true,

That God bless the broken road that led me straight to You.'

In time of lost and needing support, encouragement and basically somebody there for me,

these are the two songs which got me through my down moments.

Through Carrie Underwood's songs, it's like she was there telling me

not to give up on what I had started,

not to be afraid of the darkest hours,

not to be so sad over friends who broke my hearts,

not to grieve over what could not be undone,

but I had to pick myself up and move on because God bless the broken road.

That's how it all started and

that briefly explained why I'm crazy or rather obsessed with Carrie Underwood.

Change - The smallest thing can make all the difference

2009-11-05T17:57:00.003Z

"You're just a fool, just a fool
You believe you can change the world
Don't listen to them when they say
Just a fool, just a fool
You believe you can change the world

Oh the smallest thing can make all the difference
Love is alive don't you listen to them when they say
You're just a fool to believe you can change the world"

This is the chorus of one of my 'favouritest' songs in

Carrie Underwood's latest album, 'Play On', namely

'Change'.

This song is indeed very close to my heart.

People tend to think that it's just a small thing, other people do it i might as well follow the norms.

For example, throwing rubbish by the road side.

Little by little, can you imagine how our beloved motherland - earth will end up with?

A rubbish dumpsite? Is living in it what you want for all of the people around you including you loved ones?

Holding a rubbish while you are walking along the road might sound stupid, idiotic or foolish.

Nevertheless, if everyone does just like you do, managing rubbish in a proper way, the earth will not be threatened by something called pollution at all.

The second thing I want to share is related to donation/fund raising for the needy.

On 31st October, a Saturday, my friends and I went and helped out with a fund-raising donation to

a housing and homelessness charity organisation, 'SHELTER'.

We went to the city centre and tried our best to collect as much fund/donation as we could

(in a not-so-good day: chilly, drizzling and windy)

Nonetheless, the city centre was still full with people of all ages.

But then again, the fund that we managed to collect were not satisfying

even though we'd been there for about five hours.

Most of the passers-by could not even bother about what we were doing.

Perhaps they thought we were trying to cheat on them.

But for God's sake, we won't ever think of taking a single penny from the fund for the needy.

Let's get over the story and move on to the 'CHANGE' that I want to put forth here.

Can I ask you a question?

How much do ten pence mean to you?

What can you do with ten pence?

But if everyone on the street would take out ten pence from their wallets or pockets

and put the ten pence into the donation box,

it would have been so wonderful for the needy by the end of the day.

This was because the number of people who visited the city centre on that day was

way more than 2000 people.

The amount might not be a great number as it seems to us but

to the needy, it does mean a lot.

What if everyone on earth who can afford proper meals everyday

donate 10 pence (or even a penny) to the needy?

Can you see what the small(est) thing can do?

So please don't tell yourself or listen to others when they say,

"You're just a fool, just a fool"

when you are trying to offer the least thing you can afford to.

Because when we accummalte all the small(est) thing, it won't be small anymore.

So, what are we waiting for??

Let's make the CHANGE with the Smallest thing...

and fill the world with 'LOVE'..

make the world a better and happier place to stay..

P.S. Please do not take any offense on this entry because I do not refer it to anyone in particular but just

to share what is in my mind and how I feel and think.

Carrie Underwood and I

2009-10-31T15:04:00.003Z

This is how my dekstop background looks like. (I myself made it.. ^_^)

Just three more days, Carrie Underwood's much-anticipated new album 'Play On' will be officially released. This album is full of great songs.

You must be wondering why I am crazy or more correctly obsessed with someone who does not know me, namely Carrie Underwood.

Don't you worry about that.

I'll tell you more about my story starring Carrie Underwood and I bit by bit.

All right, lets go to the first episode, 'How I got to know Carrie Underwood'

'American Idol' is a tv programme that most people know and follow.

It's true that I got to know Carrie Underwood through American Idol Season 4 but I did not follow the tv live show because I had to attend tuition classes at night during American Idol screening. But then again, the result show was on Thursday and somehow I watched it. My heart was all for Carrie Underwood. But then again and again, before I managed to know the result of who was the winner, I was asked to go to bed. =( The tv was still on though. so I was glad that I could still hear the result instead of watching the show.

When the host, Ryan said that, 'The American Idol Season 4 is...... Carrie Underwood', tears of joys somehow flowed down my cheeks. It was indeed a strange feeling. I did not follow the show and I could hardly listen to her but somehow she had a great impact on me since then.

I did not really follow her news after that but I always checked her news on billboard chart on Chinese Newspaper, 'Sin Chew' and I was thrilled to see her album was on top ten most selling albums after months.

The next time I saw her performance was American Idol Season 5 finale and American Idol Give Back by chance. I mean BY CHANCE.

To be continued ....